NOTE: Events have been hyperbolized for effect.
Me: “Good morning!”
Them: “Hi. I’m looking for a patient?”
Me: <Attempts to ask the patient’s name.>
Them: <Without stopping> “They came in like two days ago, through the emergency room? They thought they just had a head wound, but it turns out they have a renoberation of the doohickey, and the injury got all infected and stuff so they had to amputate the head and they say…”
Me: <Tuning them out.>
Them: “…that they’re gonna be fine, but what they really wanted to look out for was the cottonmouth and the hairy nipples, which is a weird development for the particular gender of the patient, a tidbit of information which I’m not going to reveal at this point in the conversation…”
Me: <Thinking about something else.>
Them: “…and anyway, they had like three MRIs done at the same time: one of the jaw, one of the left big toe, and one of the neighbor’s dog because apparently that was like an inciting factor in the whole thing, and because of that I’m told the patient has the dog as a roommate, and the room’s supposed to be on either the second floor, the fifth floor, or the third and fourth simultaneously…”
Me: <Mentally orbiting Neptune.>
Them: “…so it’s one of them, and I’m not sure what floor you keep that kind of patient or whatever. Is there like a hairy nipple floor? An entire floor where you keep people with hairy nipples? Anyway, I’m looking for this patient.”
Me: “You done?”
Them: “I guess. Why?”
Me: “The massive amounts of information you’ve given me offers absolutely no indication of where the patient might be. You know what you could lead with that is the easiest possible unit of information? The sound bite that could maximize my usefulness to you, and minimize the length of this already egregiously long conversation?”
Them: “What’s that?”
Me: “The patient’s goddamn name.”
Them: “Oh. I don’t know it.”
Me: <Violently murders the visitor.>
Them: <In the throes of death.> “I think the first name starts with a consonant… does that help?”
This guy deserves a medal.
Oh god, I thought this was the Phantom’s mask.
Can the Phantom please have a donut mask from now on?
And then when he kidnaps Christine and she wakes up, she can eat his mask because she’s hungry because he didn’t let her have dinner with Raoul, and then Eric has to get a whole different donut mask because Christine ate the first one.
And then when he comes in at the end of Masquerade, he’s wearing a whole cake on his face.
The PHAAANNNNTOM OF THE BAKERY IS THERRREEEEEE.
INSIDE YOUR PIESSSSSS.
IN SLEEP HE BAKED FOR ME
IN DREAMS SOUFLE’D
DESSERT WHICH CALLS TO ME
AND GIVES ME CAKE
AND DO I EAT AGAIN?
FOR NOW I FIND
THE PHANTOM OF THE BAKERY IS THERE
INSIDE MY PIES
FATHER ONCE SPOKE OF A BAKER
I USED TO DREAM HE’D APPEAR
NOW AS I SING I CAN SMELL HIM
AND I KNOWWWW HEEEE’S HERREEEEEEEE
TWISTED EVERY WAY
WHAT PRETZELS CAN I TASTE?
AM I TO WISK MY EGGS
TO WIN THE CHANCE TO BASTE?
CAN I BETRAY THE MAN WHO ONCE INSPIRED MY BREAD?
DO I BECOME HIS CAKE? CAN I HAVE CREPES INSTEAD?
HE STIRS WITHOUT A THOUGHT
HE FLAMBÉES ALL THAT’S GOOD
I KNOW I CAN’T REFUSE
AND YET I WISH I COULD
OH GOD IF I AGREE WHAT CONFECTIONS WAIT FOR ME
IN THIS, THE PHANTOM’S BAKERY?
THINK OF BREAD
THINK OF BREAD FONDLY
WHEN WE’VE SAID GOODBYE
REMEMBER CAKE ONCE IN A WHILE
PLEASE PROMISE ME YOU’LL TRY
THEN YOU’LL FIND THAT ONCE AGAIN YOU LONG
TO TAKE YOUR PIE BACK AND BE FREE
IF YOU EVER FIND A COOKIE
SPARE ONE BITE FOR ME
ALL I ASK IS EVERY BITE OF COOKIE
SAY THE WORD AND I WILL BAKE FOR YOU
SHARE EACH SNACK WITH ME, EACH PIE, EACH CUPCAKE
ANYTHING YOU EAT, LET ME EAT TOO
LOVE BREAD, THAT’S ALL I ASK OF YOU
WHAT RAGING FIRE SHALL BURN THE BUNS?
WHAT RICH DARK CHOCOLATES ICE THIS CAKE?
WHAT SWEET CONFECTIONS LIE BEFORE US?
PAST THE POINT OF NO CUPCAKES
THE FINAL FLAMBE
WHAT WARM UNSPOKEN PASTRIES WILL WE MAKE?
BEYOND THE POINT OF NO CUPCAKES
YOU ALONE CAN MAKE THESE DONUTS RIGHT
HELP ME BAKE THE CUPCAKES OF THE NIGHT
HIS PIES WILL FIND ME THERE
THOSE PIES THAT BURN
AND IF HE HAS TO BREAK A THOUSAND EGGS
THE PHANTOM OF THE BAKERY WILL BEAT AND WHIP AGAIN
(via eveamedeus)
None of that clipper-stubble or three days’ growth for you. Tonight you enjoy me as the porn industry intended genitals to be: clean-shaven and kissable. (Taken with Instagram)
Just as I’m about to hop in the shower, I am suddenly startled when I look in the mirror.
I proclaim aloud, “Sweet Mother of Moses! Who are you, you remarkably sexy creature just exploding with marvelous masses of masculinity, and why are you in my bathroom?!”
The man in the mirror replied, “I was trying to break into your home unnoticed, and when I heard you coming I hid behind what I assumed to be a mirror made of one-way glass. Turns out it’s more of a window, actually. I will be going now. Please accept this door-frame grease as a gesture of my apologies. It is designed for widely-built fellows like yourself to fit through narrow openings.”
I quirked a brow at him, quizzically. “For a moment, my friend,” I ventured, “I thought you might be my reflection, for not only am I clad in naught but a towel, but also you seem to exude a similar sort of manliness as I, myself, am wont to do. So I must now ask: why, sir, if you are breaking into my hom
[video]
[video]
I’m scared but go for it
lol gross go ahead TELL ME ALL THE COOL VIDEO GAMES WE’D PLAY
Tell me @n@
o_o tell me now
yeah sure why not
Yes please?
Why not. Let’s get sexy.
(Source: askboxmemes, via moirailis)
A little something I’ve started. Shield your eyes… (Taken with Instagram)
Korean poster which has been making it’s way around
Translation:
Protesting sexual harassment and violence against women
ETIQUETTE FOR MEN AT NIGHT
- Remember that your presence can be threatening to women walking alone at night
- If a woman is walking in front of you alone at night, slow down. You walking quickly or speeding up can be and in most cases is threatening
- If you’ve been drinking and are drunk, go straight home.
- Do not pick a fight or aggravate women walking at night
- Do not take off your clothes or publicly urinate
- Be careful to make sure you do not touch or hit someone, even on accident.
- If, late at night, you come to a situation in which you and a woman have to ride an elevator together, let her go up first and wait for the elevator to come back down.
- If there’s a woman in a public restroom (There are Korean public restrooms with no gender or sex markings that are open to all people), wait for her to finish and come out first before using the restroom.
- Report broken streetlights to the police
- Tell other men about these rules and that they have a responsibility to not threaten women walking at night
Learn it, know it, do it.
(Source: dkyubey, via eveamedeus)
